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I am not sure if this is a therapy question, but I enjoy your column and respect your advice, so I will ask. My husband Alan and I grew up in modest homes in Kansas City and have not lived in a house since we finished high school. We are both 29 now and live in a midtown apartment. For the last year we have been looking for a house. We recently found an attractive and spacious 5-year-old home in Olathe, on a large lot in a very nice neighborhood. With the soft housing market, we can easily afford the payments.
I was excited at the prospect of finally living in a nice home and a place to bring up children. That is, until last week when I shared the news with my best friend Barbara. She really put a damper on things. Barbara said that by moving to the suburbs, I was becoming part of the problem, abandoning Kansas City and further reducing the tax base. She hinted that I would be joining all of the “greedy, shallow” people in the suburbs and be so bored I would want to move back. Furthermore, I was “wasting fossil fuels” and ruining the environment. At first I was surprised that Barbara would be so unsupportive. But now I am wondering if she is right and whether I should move so far out after all. What do you think?
- Wendy in Waldo
Susan's Reply:
Wendy, since you are asking about your psychological being, this is worth discussing.
Many studies in the social sciences attempt to relate where people live to their happiness. They compare different parts of the world, parts of the country, or cities with suburbs and rural areas. Most of these studies tout city life, with the advantages of convenience, community and culture, over the suburbs. However, they often have an urban bias, being funded by development groups and implemented and reported by urban types. As an example, a Pew Research study in 2006 reported that 36 percent of suburban residents claim to be “very happy,” as compared to 31 percent of urban residents. You might interpret this to be an advantage for suburbs. But the story was slanted in favor of cities with the headline, “Suburbs No Great Mecca of Happiness,” because the difference was only “slight.”
Studies like these are often used to advocate that people should live in one kind of area. A better question for study would be of what the importance of living where you want is to your happiness, whether it is city or suburbs. Plenty of studies already show that stress comes from loss of control. Therefore, not controlling where you live, if where you live is important to you, certainly qualifies as a cause of stress.
People first moved to the suburbs because improved transportation enabled them to live in more spacious surroundings while still being able to access their jobs and other advantages of the city. Then, many features that were only in the cities followed them to the suburbs. Now the suburbs, especially Johnson County, have plenty to offer in terms of arts, culture, dining, schools, parks, and theaters.
You and Alan have no obligation to live where others say you should live. Your first obligation is to yourselves, to be happy and live where you want. You have worked hard to make a better life for yourselves and deserve the chance to do so, regardless of the views of your friend Barbara or the social scientists.
Deciding where to live is not that hard. Just ask yourself the following simple questions.
• Do you and Alan like the place yourselves?
• Do you like the neighborhood?
• Will the commute be okay?
• Can you comfortably afford it?
Regarding the last point, too many people live in houses they cannot afford and find that the stress of meeting their monthly payments and worrying about changes in property values or interest rates is not worth trying to impress their friends.
Wherever you decide to move, enjoy your new home. You deserve it!
