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My husband Gary and I have three children. The first two, Brandon, 14, and Rachel, 12, have very different personalities. But both are hard working, do fairly well in school, and like to do sports. It is the youngest, Kyle, 8, who concerns me. Kyle is a good boy but does not do well in school. His teacher says that his attention wanders and he does not really try. She does like the stories he writes and appreciates his off-the-wall sense of humor. Kyle liked to play baseball and soccer with his friends, but when he tried Little League he disliked it because of the practices. Kyle also likes music, so we started piano lessons for him.
Can we do anything else to help Kyle? I have read that youngest children are different, do not like structured activities, but can be the most creative and innovative. Could this be the case with Kyle?
- Erin in Leawood
Erin, one of the mysteries of parenting is how siblings who are given a very similar upbringing and values can turn out so differently.
Are the youngest children in a family more creative? The famous Austrian psychiatrist Alfred Adler was one of the first theorists to suggest, as he did in the early 1900s, that birth order influences personality.
In recent years, many psychologists have also claimed that birth order matters. “The Early Show” on CBS recently hosted a psychologist who claims that birth order affects all aspects of a child’s personality and that parenting styles should be tailored accordingly. For example, this psychologist says that last-born children are the most financially irresponsible of all birth orders and that they just want to have a good time. The psychologist suggests that the best parenting style for last-born children is to “Stick to the Rules,” because the last-born is least likely to be disciplined and to “Hand Out Responsibility,” because last-borns are pros at ducking out of work, and are so helpless that the rest of the family decides that it is easier to do the work themselves.
Research like this is fun to hear and accordingly, the media likes to report it. And plenty of researchers are happy to be interviewed and get the publicity. However, the truth about birth order is more complicated.
Claims about birth order affecting personality have received only mixed support in scientific research. First of all, the results of most birth-order studies do not clearly show whether birth order is a cause of any differences in personality that are found. There may be other causes, such as family size. For example, first-born children are on the average from smaller-sized families than later born children, simply because every family has one first-born. Smaller-sized families, in turn, are more likely to be better off financially, giving their children an advantage.
Another problem is that evaluators in these studies see what they want to see. For example, they will give examples of creative last-borns and ignore the less creative ones. One study cited Bill Gates as an example of a last-born, talking about his great innovations. The problem here is that Bill Gates was really a middle child! Another finding is that many studies exhibit differences in birth order among children while they are with their families, but these differences disappear in later life when they are not with their families every day.
I believe that a multitude of factors can influence how we turn out, many of them under our own control. It is plausible that birth order may be a part of the mix for some people. For example, many of my own clients whose parents pressured them with unrealistically high expectations are first-borns. But there are so many other factors under our control that we can harness to improve our own lives. We should not feel limited by such studies any more than we should feel limited by a bad horoscope reading.
Whatever the causes, Kyle will benefit
from being creative and innovative in all of his endeavors. As Albert Einstein said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” If you feel that Kyle has creative talent, you are right to encourage him.
Janine Spencer, PhD, developmental child psychologist for LeapFrog, the educational products company, claims that creativity is being able to think of new ideas. The more things that children find interesting, the easier it will be for them to make new connections between them and come up with new ideas. Below is a list of tips from Spencer for helping a child develop his or her creativity.
• Have a ready supply of arts and crafts to make with your child. A child with high self-esteem is confident to try new things and believes in his own ability to be creative.
• Read to your child. The more stories a child hears, the more his imagination will be stimulated.
• Play “pretend” with your child. Children really appreciate it when their parents join in with their game. It shows them that you think their ideas are important and worthy of your time.
• Encourage your child to play with musical instruments and toys. Children love making music.
• Let your child help you in the kitchen. Putting two ingredients together to make a third new flavor is creativity in action.
• Give your child time and space. Children need time every day to play and daydream. If every waking moment is filled with activities, your child will never have the time to use his imagination and think creatively.
If you follow these tips, it is also important to trust your own instincts. As is true for assessing any written advice on parenting, you know what is best for Kyle.
