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QUESTION:
I am 36 years old. My husband Sheldon, 37, and I have been married for 14 years and have three children. Last week he told me some surprising news: he recently had an affair. Not just an “emotional affair,” but the real thing! He said that it is over now but he thought it was best to get it off of his chest. I had no idea that anything was going on. But looking back, I see that he had been acting distant toward me for a few weeks.
Needless to say, I was devastated. I pressed Sheldon for more information and he gave me the gory details. That was a mistake! Since Sheldon’s revelation, I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach 24 hours a day. I cannot eat or sleep. I feel that our marriage is ruined and the happy part of my life is basically over. Sheldon, on the other hand, says that he feels “better” that he got it off his chest. He wants me to forgive him so that we can get on with our lives. What should I do next?
— Jane on the Plaza
ANSWER:
You are certainly right to feel devastated. Infidelity is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage. Unfortunately, this happens all too often.
In your case, Sheldon brought the information to you. For most of the couples I have counseled, the other spouse discovered the infidelity. For the benefit of my readers, here is what you should look for if you suspect that your spouse is having an affair.
Most signs of infidelity consist of sudden and unexplained changes in what you expect from your spouse. This includes hiding expenses (sometimes called financial infidelity); changes in sexual activity or even physical affection; or changes in work habits, like coming home from work later and later, or not at all. Other changes include sudden improvements in personal grooming or fashion, or extended absences caused by his starting fights for seemingly no reason at all.
If you suspect something, what should you do? First, make sure that your information is reliable. Don’t just take someone’s word. If you have revealing text or phone messages, e-mails or pictures, make sure you document them or make a copy. Many of my clients have been busted by telephone messages and e-mails. With evidence in hand, make sure the children are nowhere near and you choose a time to calmly present the evidence and ask for an explanation.
If your spouse confesses, take a deep breath and step away. If you are ready to hear the rest of the confession, be prepared to be surprised. Ask questions like who, when, where, what and why. If he gets angry and violent, back off and just let him know that you know and that you do need to talk. Do not get violent yourself.
Before deciding to do anything, seek counseling. There can be life after infidelity.
Often, counseling reveals the infidelity to be a symptom of other problems in the marriage. In this case, each party needs to take the responsibility for their part in the problems.
I find that counseling after infidelity is more successful when you follow certain guidelines:
1. First, the offending spouse must commit to tell the whole truth. He should not say, “Yes, I was with her all night but nothing happened.” That is an insult to your intelligence. Many clients have said this, only to be proven wrong later and lose even more credibility.
2. The other spouse must be prepared to hear the truth. Some people cannot handle the truth without fits of violence.
3. The other spouse should be allowed to ask all of the questions they want to and should expect an answer to their satisfaction. This part can be long and painful.
4. Forgiveness must come eventually. To merit forgiveness, the offending spouse must understand what they did is wrong and the damage that it has caused, feel genuinely bad about all of this and intend to not do it again. From what you have said, Sheldon has not yet reached this stage.
Your counseling may or may not work. But if it fails, at least you will know that you did all that you could to save your marriage. This is good, because, from my experience, divorce is usually the worst of any situation for your children. Although you are facing a long road to recovery, the worst part is almost over.
