My girlfriend, Debbie, and I are both in our late 20s. I was brought up in Kansas City, and Debbie moved here from St. Louis five years ago. We have been going together for the last two years and plan to be married in the next year.
Debbie and I get along very well but have different perspectives on some matters. For example, I come from a big Italian family. We get together almost every week. This is an important part of my life. Debbie comes from a small family and does not care about seeing them on the holidays. I have seen the effects of divorce on my friends and want to make sure that this never happens to me. Debbie’s parents are divorced and she, in contrast, does not seem fearful of divorce and sees this as one option in a marriage. I am Roman Catholic and attend church regularly. Religion is not important to Debbie.
Marriages have gone on for thousands of years without people paying a professional for counseling before they get married. On the other hand, a third person in the mix could be helpful for us. What would you recommend?
— Steve in Prairie Village
One way premarital counseling is helpful is that it helps you illuminate your core values. A good way to explore these values is to discuss decisions that you would make together on various issues. Among the most important issues that come up in marriages are:
• How will you manage money together? How will you save it? How will you spend it?
Will you have a budget?
• How will you spend your leisure time?
• Do you want children? Any idea how many?
• Will your children be brought up in a faith? If so, which one and how? One of the worst
answers I hear to this question is “Oh, we haven’t talked about that. But we’ll work
it out!”
• How will you discipline the children?
• What relationships can you have with the opposite sex? If a female “friend from work”
calls you at home, will Debbie allow it?
• Does each of you trust the other to watch your back?
Even the manner in which you argue and resolve conflicts can be discussed. When I do couples counseling, they often learn how to “fight fair.”
Believe me, all of these issues can come up in any marriage, and a lot of stress in marriage can be alleviated, if not prevented, when you discuss them beforehand.
Counseling may lead some couples to see that things will not work out. I once counseled a young couple where he was a devout Methodist, and she was an equally committed Catholic. When they talked about bringing up the children, they had a very long and hard emotional session. They both realized that they could not agree on this issue and, unhappily, decided that they could not get married.
Sometimes the counseling can lead a couple to discover strengths that they did not know they had. I worked with one couple where both parties came from divorced families. They were scared of divorce and very worried that their marriage would not work out. After a few sessions and discussions of many of their differences, they discovered that they had very good conflict resolution skills. They came away from the sessions happy and confident that they could make their marriage work.
In addition to counseling, I would recommend that you and Debbie take a trip together, if you have not already done so. On trips you can often see how each other reacts in new situations and under pressure.
Steve, your point about marriages not needing professional premarital counseling for thousands of years is a good one. You could have a good marriage without this. However, because of human nature, it is not easy for two people, married or not, to come to agreement. A third person can help reconcile individual views by helping each person share each other’s perspective. A therapist helping couples before marriage is just a modern example of this.
Any marriage will have problems. The key to a successful marriage is not being able to avoid all problems and challenges. This is not possible. The real key is being able to handle these problems together. Premarital counseling can help you and Debbie do this.
words: Susan A. Horen