ABC is now featuring its 14th edition of The Bachelor. And for those who know nothing about this show, permit me to give both of you a quick history.
Launched in 2002, The Bachelor promptly became a rating’s smash. In short, it’s a cross between the Miss America pageant, Desperate Housewives and The Gong Show choreographed by a floral consultant. But don’t confuse it with The Dating Game. That’s old school—where the bachelor makes a choice without seeing his date. In The Bachelor, he sees everything.
The show starts with 25 bachelorettes and eventually ends up with two finalists. Invariably, the last two reflect dramatic differences. One year, it was a school teacher pitted against a tattoo-sporting free spirit named Moana. The bloggers eat all this up and so do programs like E! News, Extra and TMZ. Last year’s Bachelor episode featured some ditz named Jason who picked Melissa as “the one” and then dumped her on the wrap-up show—something called After The Final Rose—for someone named Molly. It was a soccer mom controversy that dwarfed Jon and Kate.
Marriage? Forget it. None of the bachelors have walked down the aisle with their choices.
So here is the typical breakdown of the twenty-five ladies: five will be bookworm, librarian, smarty types who aspire to cure cancer. They have no chance. Five to 10 will be floozies with strong sorority backgrounds who say insane things, giggle and flip their hair back constantly. They are early front-runners. Usually one or two will have cheerleading pedigrees from a pro sports team. This season, that’s Kimberly. At least two of the bachelorettes will be massage therapists, makeup artists or wardrobe consultants. Calculus is not their strong suit. Two more will be entrepreneurs or have vague titles like “account manager or “marketing representative” that involve selling lots of things to portly balding men in their 50s. One will be a grade school teacher who “loves kids.” She’s a long shot but will stay as a finalist through sweeps week.
Most of the contestants are from the Midwest, shop at Whole Foods and embrace new-age diets. All have perfect teeth, fake bakes, refined bodies and a penchant for showing cleavage.
Other sure things with every series—pool scenes. Plus episodes nowhere near a pool where the bachelor tosses his shirt and pants and then runs around in a wind tunnel with Yanni blasting away. Sequences with a helicopter, airplane, hot-air balloon or parachuting are guaranteed. Other sure things: Bachelorettes with funky new world names that challenge spell check. Examples of some of this year’s contestants include Vienna, Tiana, Alexa, Ashleigh, Valishia, Ali, Rozlyn, Tenley, Channy, Gia, Corrie. Looking for bachelorettes with names like Julie, Pam and Mary? Nope. They are happily married raising normal kids. And yes, watching this show.
What’s missing? Twenty-nine dimensions of compatibility. No time for that after they finish the hot tub and candlelight dinner scenes. No plot lines where bachelor and date discuss faith, politics, views on having a family, credit scores or where to settle down and live. Buzz kill on the ratings front. No scenes of sharing a bathroom, working a plunger or climbing in a car for a long road trip after gorging on burritos at Taco Bell.
If The Bachelor is true reality TV, here are the questions every bachelorette should answer:
1. Have you been to church (any church) in the last three months?
(Christmas, Easter don’t count.)
2. Do you regularly do crossword puzzles, play Scrabble or read any books off the New York Times bestseller list?
3. Does your mother watch The Biggest Loser and cry? Yes or No?
4. Are you a tax and spend liberal? (I need to know if you will cancel my vote.)
5. A man cave is
A) where groundhogs live before seeing their shadow.
B) where primitive man discovered fire.
C) a place where husbands can’t be disturbed.
6. Your purse has credit cards. The total number is
A) less than 5.
B) more than 10.
C) more than 20.
7. I’m lactose intolerant. Yes or No?
8. Word association: a prenuptial agreement.
A) I’m open to it.
B) Discuss with my attorney.
C) Whatever!
9. You text your mother:
A) almost never.
B) a lot.
C) what’s texting?
10. Beef Bourguignon is
A) a rodeo bull.
B) the complaint department for Paris, France.
C) a recipe made famous by Julia Child.
So husbands, now you know why your wife locks herself in the bedroom Mondays from 8 p.m. to 9 p.m. This also explains why you can hear her yelling throughout the house—“She’s so fake!” “Not her! What a tramp!” Bide your time and soon you’ll have your wife back. Just in time for a honey-do list delivered to you. On Super Bowl Sunday.
words: Matt Keenan